Q: Anonymous, 20, Stewardess:
“I come from a family of mostly girls, and went to an all girl boarding school before becoming a yacht stewardess. Maybe I’m just sheltered, but I have never heard men speak about women so disrespectfully as they do on this boat! Not only are there endless dirty jokes and putting women down as being ‘stupidesses’ etc, but they also discuss the gory details of girls they’ve slept with — over morning tea in the crew mess, and often comment inappropriately on what we girls look like or wear when we’re going out etc. At first, I just said, ‘Guys, that’s really gross. Could you keep it to yourselves?’ They laughed at me, called me a prude, and kept talking. After another two months I’d had enough, so I told the Captain it was making me uncomfortable. You know what he said? ‘It’s a male-dominated industry so you’re going to have to stop being so sensitive, or get out of yachting.’ I think it’s got even worse since then, it’s such a boy’s club! I have a feeling now they’re just playing games to see who can shock me the most. The thing is it’s not funny, it’s making me really angry, and I know the other girls don’t like it either, although they don’t say anything. Are all boats like this? Is there something I can do to get them to stop or do I just have to put up with it?”
A: The Crew Coach:
First thing: All boats are categorically NOT like this. I won’t pretend there aren’t some like yours out there, as I know from experience there’s a fair few still floating around with very sexist onboard cultures. It’s a real shame your first yacht is such a shining example of the ‘dinosaur culture’ lots of great Captains, crew and onshore professionals are trying very hard to stamp out. Even more so, as I know first hand from many crew that this kind of attitude is often the cause of great crew leaving the industry early due to disappointment about the industry’s lack of professionalism.
The first thing to say is that this does 100% come under the banner of sexual harassment and as such, is quite a serious matter, even if the people involved are trying to play it down and tell you you’re being ‘too sensitive’. In fact if this were to come under closer scrutiny their behaviour could also fall under the official definition of bullying, particularly as you have approached the Captain and he has tried to fob you off, while adding his own behaviour to the problem. This means your Captain is, pardon the yachting pun, sailing pretty close to the wind by ignoring your complaint.
I know of one Captain who was caught completely off guard by receiving a call from his management company investigating a complaint about sexual harassment onboard their yacht. The Captain was completely unaware that what he considered to be harmless crew mess banter was deeply disturbing at least one particular crew member, who complained to management about it. This was actually a male deckhand who felt he couldn’t go to the Captain as the Captain was one of the perpetrators. The yacht was officially investigated and the entire situation caused a lot of hassle for the Captain, whose whole reputation was called into question. I mention this as a cautionary tale to Captains who think people should not ‘be so sensitive’ to these kinds of things – what you think is ‘harmless’ may well be causing distress to someone in your crew, and if they take it further you could be in quite serious trouble.
The lovely Lynne Edwards, a fellow trainer with the GUEST program for interior crew training wrote an excellent article about this which I highly recommend you read, giving legal definitions for this kind of harassment as well as your recourses for action, so I won’t go into detail on your legal rights etc here as Lynne covers this so well.
It’s good to know and understand your rights in this situation (and great for Captains and other crew to know this too), however I completely understand you may not wish to take things that far. Happily, there are actually a great many boats out there with very respectful onboard cultures; ones where the female crew aren’t made to feel uncomfortable by inappropriate crew mess discussions. I won’t pretend you won’t ever hear dirty jokes onboard yachts, or that you won’t encounter further sexism along the way—but I can promise that what you’re experiencing right now is not acceptable in a professional working environment and you are right to bring this up.
You’re in a difficult position as onboard culture is normally set from the top, and your Captain is obviously a fellow culprit, who seems to think that this behaviour is not a problem, regardless of how that makes the women on board feel. Your chance of changing his mind, or the onboard culture, is somewhere between minimal and zero I’m afraid. I’d also counsel against taking this complaint to the shoreside management team, as going above your Captain like this (partiucarly when he has the kind of attitude you have described) will almost certainly make matters much worse, and could even result in your being fired.
As for whether it’s your sheltered upbringing that’s causing such difficulties, there may be some truth in that; it’s possible that you are more sensitive to crude jokes and topics than other women. Yet by your description of the situation, I would say that most female crew (and lots of men too) would have an issue with the topics of conversations in your crew mess! You should not have to walk away from your crew mess because your crewmates are regularly talking about things that they know upset you, and this goes for anything, not just sexist conversations.
If you want to stay working on this yacht my suggestion would be to try harder to ignore the sexist remarks from this point on. Certainly don’t give these guys the reaction they’re looking for, if it really has become a game to shock you. You may find that the situation dies down, and even that you get less bothered by it over time. Having said that, I think you’ll probably find it difficult to respect this crew going forward, so have a think about where you want to go from here.
Ideally you need to stick it out on this yacht as long as you can to pass a significant milestone on your CV, for as brand new crew you need to get some experience behind you before you find another yacht. A complete season might be enough, a year is better, but if it’s really getting you down then start quietly reaching out to crew agents to find a new opportunity.
The valuable lesson of this experience for you is that you now know what kind of culture you’re looking for, so really pay attention to any cues in the interview process. Try to meet the crew first if you can, and take note of how the Captain interacts with his chief stewardess, how many female crew there are onboard, and if there are any girls on deck; generally a great sign the Captain is supportive of women. It might be a good idea to let your crew agent know that you’d prefer a culture that’s not too ‘blokey’: no doubt they will immediately think of some great yachts you’ll be more suited to as well as those they won’t put you forward for, including ones where it is the owner, not the crew, whose behaviour and attitudes are somewhat undesirable.
Don’t make the mistake of bagging your current boat though, even after you leave! I have written about this before so check out this article on how to graciously move on from a bad experience. Discreetly ask around about boats you hear about, and your contacts should be able to point you towards yachts, Captains and crew they respect.
The positive in this unpleasant experience is that you can teach yourself not to visibly react to things you find offensive: which is a great skill in an industry which might test your tenacity and the thickness of your skin now and then! Remember, you don’t have to accept their behaviour in your heart, but you can take yourself out of the firing line by not allowing how much it upsets you to show on your face. And try to see the best in these crew while you’re with them, don’t let this one aspect of their behaviour blind you to all the good in them.
I wish you the very best of luck in finding a job on one of the more highly professional yachts out there, such as those run by the strong and capable Captains I work with to create productive, high performing teams and harmonious working environments for their crew.
Does anyone else have a similar situation they’d like to share? Do you think yachting’s changing for the better in this regard- or do women in yachting just need a ‘thicker skin’?